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Here's my dilemma with that. First of all, I loathe lowering my expectations and standards on a man. This is not a unique concept for me. I've lowered my standards for many years and it has got me NOWHERE. You hear me? Nooooo where! If I go down this road again, I feel like I have pressed the rewind button on my life and will inevitably make the same mistakes that that happened in the past once I hit the play button. "Nawt guna do it" (George HW Bush voice).
So in MY meantime, I will just wait. Yes I said it. I will "wait" until the right fella comes along. God has just the right man waiting for me and I know that if I circumvent His plan, then I will reap what I sowed and I'm not interested in reaping drama, depression, anxiety, worry, guilt, and anger. I'm done with those emotions!
Now I'm still doing the online dating thing. I've registered on sites from Match.com, to ChristianMingle.com, to AfroRomance.com and even PlentyofFish.com. The other day I received an email from a guy who looked adorably cute, was very intelligent, and had a humorous profile. When I emailed him back to ask him to tell me more about himself he was surprisingly blunt.
He told me he just got out of a relationship 2 months ago, had a child with that ex that he's fighting custody over, lost his job as a result, and is now living with his mother. Now let me ask you guys a question...should I email this guy back? Or should I politely ignore his response and keep it moving?
It kind of goes back to the standards and expectations comments I mentioned earlier. I am a single, kid-free, educated, hard-working woman who would like to have a better-half that shares those same exact things. I'm aware that at my age (32) the pool of men without kids is very shallow---not even deep enough for the kiddie pool. I am willing to accept a man with kids. But should I accept a man who now lives with his mother?
This economy sucks, and far be it for me to judge anyone living with their mom. I lived with my mother when I lost my job in New York City and couldn't afford that high-a$$ Manhattan rent. However, I made sure I didn't waste ANY time getting the heck outta dodge when I moved in. So my stay with mom-dukes didn't last long when I did find work again.
So that leaves me now with the fact that this man has just got out of a long term relationship with the mother of his child only 2 months ago! I should mention they were together for 3 years. I've been involved in rebound relationships and they never last. I've been the rebounder and the reboundee and I say again in bad English---it don't work!
I guess the quest continues and I just have to wait for who God has in store for me. It's all I can do. I'm not upset or frustrated about being a single girl living in a small town where there are 4 women to every man who lives here. No, I'm not upset about that. I'm just hoping I'm not 90 when that day happens. That's all.
Loved you post and WOW! it was a lot in it! No, don't EVER settle! This is coming from a 31 yr old who is struggling with the same issues. Yes we have to hold out for God's best for us. And I can't believe dude would even email you...WTW? He is still in the midst of a battle w/his ex he needs to back off women for a while. I'd probably email him back letting him know that he probably needs some healing for his heart and some time alone to move on from the relationship and that he should seek that in God not a woman, but that's just me.
ReplyDeleteAnywho, that was a long-winded way to say I love your post, and honesty and I loved part 1 too. Keep up w/ the honest real post, we are listening.
I'd be more reserved due to the fact that he JUST got out of a relationship. 2 months is not long enough to fully get over someone when they were together for so long and have a child together. The fact that he lives with his mother should not be a big issue as long as it's temporary and he plans to move out as soon as he's saved up some scratch. However, he's jobless and as a woman one does expect a man to treat now and then. I know it may sound sexist and anti feminist but some of us women would like a man to treat us to dinner every now and again. If he has no job you may find yourself having to pay for yourself as well as him. I know you've been down this road and don't look forward to doing that again. I say pass on this one. Knowing you personally I say you have to lower some of your standards. Those standards mostly in the superficial aspect of how they look and what kind of body they have. Not how nice they are and how well they treat you as a woman and person. Be more open to those you may not find drop dead gorgeous. Talk to them and see if you like them for their personality, sense of humor, and have similar interests. Sometimes when you get to know someone your attraction can increase greatly
ReplyDeleteI love this post, I'm 35 and in the same boat, but I refuse to settle. Maybe we should have a "hell naw" group where we go do fun stuff as women until our mates appear instead of telling each other to jump into any mans arms that seem open, even if they are still warm from holding on to the last chick. I will pass and I say you should take a pass too, but mostly because he doesnt sound like a man with much sense. He should be focusing his efforts on improving his life and setting up something for him and his child to do, not surfing the internet for a new woman. If he moved on that quickly from a 3 year relationship that included a child, I can't even imagine what would happen with you.
ReplyDeleteI am so down for the "hell naw" group!!
ReplyDeleteIts a nice blog,the online dating service for single people is flourishing and loads and loads of lonely singles are enrolling with online dating websites every day searching for new mates.
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