|Image from bossip.com|
Early this afternoon at work around 2ish I was conversing with my co-workers about how we chose to spend our weekends. In the midst of our conversation, another co-worker approaches me and kindly asks if I'm interested in hanging out with him and some mutual friends at a bar downtown. I fibbed and told him I had already made plans (it actually wasn't a fib it was a plain flat out lie if you ask me). After he left, a random thought entered my mind and I spoke it aloud and asked,
"I enjoy solitude. But do I enjoy it a little too much?"
My female co-worker who is married with 2 kids said in a kind and honest tone,
"Of course not! Enjoy this time Jamie. Soon you will be married and miserable with kids and have no quiet time for yourself!"
I chuckled and felt a sense of relief. She has a talent at nurturing my concerns, even though I secretly wonder does she think I'm an anti-social introvert like everyone else seems to believe. I could have easily caved-in and said "sure I'll go out with you guys". I chose not to because peace, stillness, and tranquility is a major priority in my life right now. Perhaps this season of my life is this way because I am waiting to be molded and to build more wisdom that only solitude can grant me. Or maybe I am just tired of living that old life where drinks and smoked-filled bars is a part of my social existence.
Does it make me weird that on a Friday night where most single women my age are out and about spending their time trying extra hard to find Mr Right (or Mr Right Now) that I would actually prefer to be alone in my apartment reading a good book or focusing on my writing? As I am writing this, I've come across a quandary about my situation. Does the enjoyment and fulfillment of being alone make me a nerd?
Does it make me anti-social? An introvert? A weirdo? A freak?
Or to put it simply, does it just make me a grown-up?
Not to get all religious on you guys, but the Romans biblical scripture comes to mind when I think about this season of my life and what I feel society says I should do as opposed to what I feel inside. The message says, be not conformed to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. I'm quoting that scripture because sometimes I feel like that we as Black women assume that we have to fit into some sort of societal trend and to shape ourselves into this image or persona of whom we are supposed to be. Why does a Friday night obligate me to go out to a bar and pay for overpriced drinks?
Here's another thing---if that same friend had asked me to go to the movies, see a play, or check out a new art exhibit instead---I would totally go!
I just feel like sometimes I live in a world where I feel like I'm older than everybody else. Does anyone out there get me on this? I'm not saying this to be condescending or glib. I'm just saying this because I really feel like social activities that exhibit behaviors where people get lewd, disrespectful, angry, or any other counteractive response are not at all conducive to my growth mentally, emotionally, and even physically (I'm still waiting for my liver to replenish itself after years of damage). I'm at a place of peace now and I'm happy. Is it possible to enjoy solitude a little too much?
Maybe. And if so---who cares? I'm enjoying every second of it.