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Early this afternoon at work around 2ish I was conversing with my co-workers about how we chose to spend our weekends. In the midst of our conversation, another co-worker approaches me and kindly asks if I'm interested in hanging out with him and some mutual friends at a bar downtown. I fibbed and told him I had already made plans (it actually wasn't a fib it was a plain flat out lie if you ask me). After he left, a random thought entered my mind and I spoke it aloud and asked,
"I enjoy solitude. But do I enjoy it a little too much?"
My female co-worker who is married with 2 kids said in a kind and honest tone,
"Of course not! Enjoy this time Jamie. Soon you will be married and miserable with kids and have no quiet time for yourself!"
I chuckled and felt a sense of relief. She has a talent at nurturing my concerns, even though I secretly wonder does she think I'm an anti-social introvert like everyone else seems to believe. I could have easily caved-in and said "sure I'll go out with you guys". I chose not to because peace, stillness, and tranquility is a major priority in my life right now. Perhaps this season of my life is this way because I am waiting to be molded and to build more wisdom that only solitude can grant me. Or maybe I am just tired of living that old life where drinks and smoked-filled bars is a part of my social existence.
Does it make me weird that on a Friday night where most single women my age are out and about spending their time trying extra hard to find Mr Right (or Mr Right Now) that I would actually prefer to be alone in my apartment reading a good book or focusing on my writing? As I am writing this, I've come across a quandary about my situation. Does the enjoyment and fulfillment of being alone make me a nerd?
Does it make me anti-social? An introvert? A weirdo? A freak?
Or to put it simply, does it just make me a grown-up?
Not to get all religious on you guys, but the Romans biblical scripture comes to mind when I think about this season of my life and what I feel society says I should do as opposed to what I feel inside. The message says, be not conformed to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. I'm quoting that scripture because sometimes I feel like that we as Black women assume that we have to fit into some sort of societal trend and to shape ourselves into this image or persona of whom we are supposed to be. Why does a Friday night obligate me to go out to a bar and pay for overpriced drinks?
Here's another thing---if that same friend had asked me to go to the movies, see a play, or check out a new art exhibit instead---I would totally go!
I just feel like sometimes I live in a world where I feel like I'm older than everybody else. Does anyone out there get me on this? I'm not saying this to be condescending or glib. I'm just saying this because I really feel like social activities that exhibit behaviors where people get lewd, disrespectful, angry, or any other counteractive response are not at all conducive to my growth mentally, emotionally, and even physically (I'm still waiting for my liver to replenish itself after years of damage). I'm at a place of peace now and I'm happy. Is it possible to enjoy solitude a little too much?
Maybe. And if so---who cares? I'm enjoying every second of it.
I'm the same way, I go out, but most of the time, I enjoy my time alone. I have what I like to call, "senior tendencies" I'm very old school. Sometimes I force myself to go out, but I've come to accept that as fun and outgoing as I can be, I'm very introverted. My friends and family have come to accept this as well. New friends, they don't get, they feel I'm neglecting them, but I can't let that change who I am for them, if they want to continue to be my friend, they have to come to accept that as well.
ReplyDeleteI feel you on this one. I often felt insecure about my introversion, especially when compared to my "extroverted, want to booze and party every weekend" friends. I can't tell you how many people look at me funny because I am in the heart of my twenties, and I don't feel the need to go to clubs every chance I can get. On the flip side however, I do enjoy my share of drinking and dancing, but often I felt shame afterwards wondering if people judged me for my drunken extroversion. I was too worried on how people will perceive me when I truly just lived my life the way I wanted to at that moment. It seems everyone wants to comment on how I decide to live my life, whether they feel I'm too introverted or extroverted. Eventually I learned that I am who am, as inconsistent as others may perceive me to be, and that is absolutely okay. I can't waste my time worrying about what others may think, or worrying about my own insecurities over something that I know gives me pleasure. This is my life and I need to live it as I please.
ReplyDeleteI am happy to say that at 35 I love myself completely despite the fact that to many I come off as aloof or strange. I used to have people in my life who would buy me drinks to "loosen me up" then I realized the only one who was uncomfortable with my behavior was them...even when I go to a club or lounge, I don't have to be grinding up on anyone or being the center of attention. Sometimes I listen to women who do need all of that and I find their life and personalities really pathetic...because once the music stops and the men leave, they are miserable by themselves. There has to be a lot of self hate for you not to enjoy time by yourself. But hey ...to each his own...proud nerd, or whatever who enjoys time with myself...and yes I even crack myself up sometimes :)
ReplyDeleteJamie, I totally feel you and I see a trend. I am a homebody and I spend most of my time at home. Sure, I can get up and go anywhere I want and do what I like, but I have come to cherish my solitude. When your friend mentioned that soon enough, you'll have a family and no peace whatsoever, she's right. My besties are married with kids and I can hear the frustration in their voices and desire for alone time. They both encourage me to stay single for as long as possible.
ReplyDeleteI spent a large chunk of my time as a caregiver, and now that I no longer have to be responsible for anyone but myself, I'm in no hurry to give up my seclusion. Things happen when they're supposed to, and when I feel it's time to break out of my solitude, I will. Until then, I embrace the peace.
"I just feel like sometimes I live in a world where I feel like I'm older than everybody else." I completely feel you on this. I'm 21 and many social events in college revolve around the bar and drinking heavily. Lately, I've been working on new projects, movies and ALOT of reading. Most of the time I'm hard pressed to drag myself out of the house to places that challenge the tranquility I enjoy.
ReplyDelete>I'm just saying this because I really feel like social activities that exhibit behaviors where people get lewd, disrespectful, angry, or any other counteractive response
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I'm 21 a senior in college, and I usually stay at home reading. I get offers to go out, but I really don't like people my age. I think I am ahead of my time.
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