Ask A Nerd: I'm a 24 year old VIRGIN!

Q:

“Hello!  I have a personal question and I wasn't sure where to go. When I saw the posting on black girl nerds I thought I'd give it shot. Well, here it goes.  I'm a 24 year old virgin. I've had plenty of chances with boyfriends and I've said no every time. My goal was to wait a year before having sex with someone but the older I get the more unrealistic it feels a guy would stick around that long. I have a guy friend I've been considering ‘to get it over with’ because I want a serious relationship and it feels like I won't have that unless I can seal the deal.”

A:

Hello, 24-year old virgin.  Let me first start by saying, do not feel worried or stress yourself because you are in your early 20s and a virgin.  Being a virgin is not a bad thing.  You are actually a part of a growing number of people who have decided to save themselves for marriage or the right person. 

Personally, I do not think being a virgin is an issue.  What is bothering me with your letter is the fact that you’re bothered by being a virgin and set a goal of 1 year before you gave yourself to someone and in your words, “to get it over with.”  Sweetie that is not a good outlook on sex; and that is not going to lead to a serious relationship, like you want.  Becoming intimate with someone is such a big deal.  There are so many emotions involved, not only from you, but, from the guy as well.  If you take it seriously, it’s not just doing something to get it over with so that your virginity status will change.

I would like to advise you to not concentrate on losing your virginity, however, but, to work on meeting people.  Work on allowing a guy to approach you, court you and you two establish a relationship.  I do not know if you’re a shy person or not, but, if you are, read some literature on basic flirting techniques, body language and the signals you’re sending out.  “Learn How to Flirt” by Barbara Bryant is a good start, as it will touch on all those areas.  Don’t focus on the burden of having the title “virgin” on your shoulder.

I don’t usually share my personal business, however, I am proud to say I was a 20 something year old virgin, too; and I was always taught by my mother that if I was upholding myself, that there were decent men out in the world upholding themselves as well.  I can personally tell you that there are men out there that are still virgins and who are going through the same things you are.  Do not fear, there are decent men still around.  It may not seem as such, because of how our society appears to be so sex crazed; and if you aren’t “doing it”, then you’re ridiculed. Stay strong to your own personal beliefs; and “give in” when you’re ready, not because you’re a certain age; and society thinks you should’ve already done it.

I am proud of you for standing up and saying you are a virgin who’s going through various emotions because of your virginity status.  Admitting and sharing such personal information is difficult for a lot of people, so, you took the first step in trying to get your feelings and emotions back on track.

I do hope you try and let go of any hang-ups you have about being 24 years old and a virgin; because honestly, it’s not a bad thing.

Reading your letter just made me glad to see that there are still young women in our society who are trying to uphold themselves.  It makes me still have faith in parental home training and faith in humanity.

Best of luck to you.

~Tam Solomon, Contributing Writer~